I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
