I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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