How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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