I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
