It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
