I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
