sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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