hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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