he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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