"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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