just tell him i said nine months
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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