one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
