I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
