I'm lost and stupid without you.
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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