I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
