A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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