my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
