i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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