Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
