Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
