Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
