Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
