woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
