he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
