she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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