dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
