Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
