I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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