I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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