I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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