good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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