best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
