i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
