Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
