omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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