in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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