she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His nipple licking is glorious
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