Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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