I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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