Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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