we have pet lesbian snakes
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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