also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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