i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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