I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
