I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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