my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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