someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
