If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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