did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
