what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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