I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
