the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
