The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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