PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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