i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Operation Purity has been aborted
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
