Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
